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Your Daughter's Abortion
These are some commonly expressed feelings of parents when they find out about their daughter's unplanned pregnancy:
1. Disappointment:
"I thought she knew better."
2. Anger:
"Sure, she's had her fun, and now I have to bail her out
of trouble."
Try asking yourself: "Am I disappointed or angry she didn't use protection and got pregnant, or she went ahead and had sex in the first place?" Whatever the reason, remember that it wasn't all her fault. It took two people to make the pregnancy. Also remember sometimes people have to make their own mistakes before they realize they need to make some changes in their behavior.
3. Rejected:
"I try and instill morals and values in my kids, but I
failed."
4. Fearful:
"What else will I discover she has done that I didn't
approve of?"
The morality you were taught to value may not be the morality your daughter and those her age value. This doesn't mean she rejects YOU, but rather a particular set of values. It doesn't mean she rejects everything you have taught her. She is living in THIS day and age, and you yourself have probably said a hundred times, "Times sure are different than when I was growing up!"
For many people, both young and old, premarital sex is no longer considered shameful. This is not to say you should approve or disapprove, but parents must deal with what IS. Realize your daughter is not a bad or shameful person. She will always need your love and acceptance. You can let her know you disapprove of her actions, but you still love her. It may also help to recall some of the things you did when you were growing up which you knew your
parents would disapprove of and yet went ahead with anyway. It didn't necessarily mean you no longer loved or respected your parents. You were just trying to lead your own life. It is easy to forget what your own growing pains were like once you have children.
5. Hurt and betrayed:
"I trusted her and look what happened. I should not have
been so lenient or trusting. I should have known what was
going on."
6. Protective:
"I'll just see to it that she never gets in this mess
again. No more boyfriend, dating, late hours,
etc."
No parent can know what their child is doing 24 hours a day. The solution is not putting her in a cage to control her every move. This will only arouse her rebellion and bitterness towards you. Sheltering your daughter from situations in which she will need to make moral decisions will cripple her ability to make adult decisions in the future. Yes, there will be times when she makes mistakes and suffers the consequences. The positive side of making mistakes is learning from them. Remember no parent can be totally responsible for their children's behavior.
7. Ashamed:
"I've always believed abortion is wrong and now I've
helped my daughter to have an abortion."
If you or your daughter have always believed abortion is wrong, then you both may feel ashamed. Instead of allowing this to happen, re-examine your belief about abortion. Is it true that only bad people have abortions? Many people we see for abortions say it is worse to bring a child into the world when they cannot take care of it physically, emotionally or financially than it is to have an abortion. Many have also said they believe having a baby under conditions which would endanger either the woman's physical or mental health (or the child's) is far worse than ending the pregnancy. In fact, there are many reasons why people would view abortion as a morally correct decision. Therefore, it is simply not true that abortion is necessarily wrong or having an abortion makes anyone a bad person.
It is sometimes a real eye opener to discover that good people do have abortions and that good people support other people's choices to have an abortion. Some women who choose abortion as their best alternative include: religious people who are active in their church (Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Muslims, Jews, Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons, Pentecostals, etc.), people who are active in the "Right To Life Party," people who teach religious school, doctors, lawyers, dentists, nurses, social workers, minister's wives, cantors, married women, grandmothers who become pregnant during menopause, women who were previously infertile, etc.
Special Do's and Don'ts for Parents
- Don't keep reminding your daughter how much she hurt you, how stupid you think accidental pregnancy is, or that it was "all her fault." Do let her know you have made mistakes in your life, anyone is capable of making mistakes, and we can all learn from those mistakes.
- Don't keep reminding her that you "Hope to God that you have learned your lesson and that it never happens again!" This is not only irritating, but totally unnecessary since she has already been telling herself the same thing. After all, no one wants to go through one accidental pregnancy experience much less a second.
- Do allow her to see her boyfriend. After an abortion, most women need to have their partner's emotional support. Those women who are fortunate enough to have their partner's willing concern before, during and after an abortion experience generally cope much better emotionally after the abortion. If your daughter really does not want to see her partner, she will make that decision herself. Don't deprive her of an important source of emotional support!
- Do let your daughter decide on using birth control. Just because a young woman goes on birth control pills does not mean she is going to say "yes" to any young man who comes along. What it does mean is that she will be protected against another accidental pregnancy. Things have a way of happening which we cannot always foresee, regardless of our intentions.
- Do remember that what your daughter does not need is punishment. She has already had a hard enough time dealing with the consequences of an accidental pregnancy. She may even be punishing herself because she feels foolish for having gotten pregnant in the first place. What she needs to know from you is that you still love her and accept her as your daughter. Tell her. Show her.
- Don't expect your daughter to forget the whole thing ever happened. Don't expect her to stop talking about it or thinking about it right away. Even though you may be anxious for her to "get over it," it may take some time (maybe weeks or months) until she puts the experience behind her. Many women return to their normal selves again almost immediately following an abortion. If your daughter does, great! If not, watch for signs of depression.
- If she starts dwelling on negative feelings and thoughts, do help her remember why she felt an abortion was her choice. Remind her that she did the best she could in a difficult situation. Give yourself credit for standing by her when she needed you most.
- Do understand that after an abortion, your daughter's hormones will readjust from a pregnant to a non-pregnant state. This can cause mood swings. Within one month after the abortion, your daughter's body and hormones should be back to their normal, non-pregnant state. Some women's pregnancy symptoms vanish a day or two after the abortion. Other women experience symptoms for up to 4-6 weeks. Follow-up care is important.
- Do encourage her to get follow-up care.
- Do read over the post abortion instruction sheet and let her know that if she experiences any of the problems described, she should call the clinic. The more responsibility she takes for her own care, the better.
Signs of Depression
- Staying in her room behind closed doors more often than usual or for longer periods
- Loss of appetite or sudden increase in appetite
- Sleep disturbances: inability to fall asleep or wanting to sleep all the time
- Tearfulness
- Sudden loss of interest in hobbies, friends, or usual activities.
If you notice any of these behaviors in your daughter, ask if she would like to talk about what is bothering her. If she declines the offer, but the behaviors continue, encourage her to seek outside help with a counselor or physician.
DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION.
Pregnant and Unsure? / How You Can Help / Your Daughter’s Abortion